Lessons in Marriage

Hello again my friends! It’s hard to believe it’s already been two months since I last wrote a blog post. Time flies when you’re having fun! August 9th was our 1-year anniversary. It’s hard to believe that it’s been a whole year since Danny and I sweated our faces off along with all of our closest friends and family in the hot August sun and vowed to stick by each other forever. I really mean it when I say that I think that marriage is one of God’s very best gifts in life…along with dress-up dance parties and a nice bowl of popcorn.

I know that in the big scheme of life, 1 year of marriage is not a whole lot, and it certainly doesn’t make me a sage. However, I feel that there are lots of great things that this first year of marriage has taught me. I’d like to share a few:

1. Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti
When Danny and I were dating, I read a book called “Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti” by Bill and Pam Farrel. The basic premise of the book is that like waffles, most men process life in little boxes, where each issue in their life has its own separate section. Men are able to compartmentalize their lives, and stay in one box at a time. When a man’s at work, he’s at work. When he’s watching TV, he’s literally watching TV and not thinking about anything else. Women, on the other hand, are like spaghetti because all of the areas of our lives are interconnected, like noodles on a plate weave through each other and all touch. When women are completing one task, they can be thinking about a million different things, and have a need to link together the logical, emotional, relational, and spiritual components of an issue.

I learned two main things from this book in our first year of marriage. First, Danny and I think and process the world so differently. He is a solver, he wants to “fix” the problem and move to the next compartment of his life. I, on the other hand, have a deep need to process things on different levels, and I’m not looking for a solution, I just want Danny to listen to me process. It’s funny how if we get into a little tiff before we leave for work, Danny doesn’t think about it while he’s at work because he’s in his “work” box, while I let our conversation affect my whole day. Understanding how we process life differently has really helped me to accept Danny for who he is, rather than to get upset that he’s not a messy plate of spaghetti like me (thank goodness!).

The other thing I learned in our first year of marriage is that typically men like to stay in the “boxes” they feel successful in. If I cut Danny down, complaining about his husband skills or what I think he should to do in our marriage that he’s not doing, I am making Danny feel unsuccessful in the “Marriage Box”. Trust me ladies, we want our husbands to feel that he is the KING of the “Marriage Box”! I learned I needed to remove the focus from telling Danny what he wasn’t doing, and instead place the focus on any number of the amazing things he does well in our marriage. For example, he consistently does the dishes without being asked, he gives me a massage after work every single day, he indulges me with goofy dance parties and snuggle time, the list goes on and on!


2. If You Don’t Like Looking in the Mirror, You Better Hide From Your Spouse
One of the things my pastor talked to us about in premarital counseling is that your spouse is your mirror. At the time, I thought it was a good illustration, but I didn’t fully understand what it meant until we were married. Your spouse knows every single part of who you are: the good things you want to share with all of your family and friends, the bad things that you only want to tell a select few, and the ugliest parts of your heart that you don’t even want to admit to yourself.

I’ve mentioned before I never fully understood God’s unconditional love for us until I saw the way Danny loves me. I realize that we are all humans and we are all flawed, but Danny is probably the closest thing to perfect I’ve ever met (cheesy but true). Anyone that can handle being around a girl who literally growls in the mornings and yells “I HATE EVERYTHING!” surely has to be oozing with God’s love. There is something so humbling about knowing that there is another human being who knows each part of your heart intimately and yet still chooses to love you and even share a bed with you!

When Danny and I first got married, I realized that I wasn’t truly sharing all of my heart with him. I would still run to my girlfriends to tell them how I was feeling about various aspects of my life. I loved Danny and trusted him, I just assumed that because he was a guy that he didn’t want to know the deepest parts of my heart. The ability to disclose everything to your spouse without fear of rejection is a huge component of marriage that took me several months to learn. I learned through it all that not only did Danny want to hear what was on my heart, he was invested in what I had to say and helped me follow through in various areas of my life. If I haven’t been spending time talking to God and reading my Bible, Danny gently reminds me how important it is. If my words come out a little harsher to a friend than they should have, Danny is the tender voice of reason. Having Danny as a mirror has really helped refine my heart and we truly encourage each other to be the best versions of ourselves.

3. Happiness is a Daily Choice
While I am convinced that I am blessed with the best husband in the world, not every single day of our lives is a walk in the park. Some days Danny’s energy and enthusiasm in the mornings makes me want to strangle him. Other days Danny finds my love of reality TV to be repulsive. Not all of our words are laced with sugar and we don’t end every day with a dress-up dance party. We both have the understanding that how we treat each other has a powerful impact on the other person, and that our outlook on life affects the other person’s life as well.

I have seen many couples let their bitterness and resentment towards each other ruin their marriage. The thought is that the spouse is not “meeting my needs” or they just “don’t make me happy”. I’ve learned this year that it is so important to be grounded, realizing that your spouse alone can never be the sole source of your happiness and can never meet all of your needs. What a huge burden to feel that another human being’s sole source of happiness rises and falls on how you, a flawed human being, treat them!

Danny and I continue to work hard to put God first in our marriage and each other second; mainly because we know how miserably we would fail if we relied solely on each other for happiness and self-worth. We choose happiness each day, refusing to take a trip down negativity trail. One thing that has worked for us tremendously is “Do-Over’s”. Basically, when we do something that we know did not build the other person up or doesn’t come across in a positive way, we walk out of the room and try again. For example, the other day I woke up before Danny and got up to take Miley outside to go potty. This is a big deal, because most mornings I am pulling the covers over my head, mumbling “5 more minutes” for around an hour. When I came inside, I got Miley’s food out and started pouring it into her dish. Danny walked out of the bedroom and said “Allison, did you not measure her food with a measuring cup?” He then walked out of the room, walked right back in, and gave me a huge hug, saying “I’m so proud of you for waking up early to take Miley outside!” Perfect do-over.

I have learned a lot more through marriage, but I am sure your eyes are sleepy by know if you have managed to read through all of this text. I’d love to hear what you’ve learned through marriage as well!