The Dominator: Unveiling of the Bossy Housewife

When I moved to Springfield almost 7 years ago to come to college, one of my biggest concerns was finding a church that could feel like “home”.  I felt like my church back in Blue Springs (shout out to my Woods Chapel Bible Fellowship family!) had set the bar pretty high for what an amazing, God-centered church was supposed to look like, and I was determined to find WCBF’s Springfield identical twin church.  It took a crazy 5-year scavenger hunt through the Ozarks, sampling every shape and size of church, for me to realize that WCBF didn’t have an identical twin…or even a fraternal twin, for that matter.  It’s funny how we treat churches almost as if we are consumers with something to buy.  “Oh, I’ll order two of the awesome pastor with inspiring, biblical message, but please leave off the side of hokey worship music.”  I kept praying that we’d find a church home where we could grow in our walk, get plugged in to a group of people who we could share life with and call family, find an outlet where we could serve…and if it wasn’t too much to ask, have some worship music that was moving rather than hokey.

My sweet husband and I have found all of those things and more in the Bridge church in Nixa.  We have been going there for over a year now, and it is such a blessing to be a part of a growing, life-giving church where we feel both encouraged and challenged to grow in our faith.  Danny and I are plugged in with the best, most hilarious Life Group anyone could ever ask for and have been involved in various activities, but we were interested in getting even more involved.  So the other week we signed up after church to attend a meeting about getting involved at the Bridge.  To my surprise, we were handed a “homework assignment” to bring to the meeting: a personality test and a spiritual gifts test.  Most people groan in agony when they receive these types of tasks, but I’m one of those freaks who loves to learn about myself…or so I thought.

Danny and I sat down to fill out our personality tests, and I was feeling great.  For each question there were four statements, and I had to pick the statement that was “most” true of me.  Naturally if more than one quality pertained to me in a question, I picked what I perceived to be the most “desirable” trait.  After all, if someone wants to know if you “like to be in charge” or are “family oriented”, wouldn’t YOU pick that you were family oriented?

 

The test broke personalities down into 4 main categories: Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, and Compliance.  When I completed my test, I scored myself highest in Influence.  The descriptors for Influence are “charming, confident, convincing, enthusiastic, inspiring, optimistic, persuasive, popular, sociable, and trusting”.  Yep.  Those sound nice, right?  Then Danny and I decided to take the personality test for each other without telling each other what we had scored for ourselves. Once the test was over, we went over Danny’s results first.  Danny and I had each given him the exact same score, which was 100% Compliance.  Compliance is described as “accurate, analytical, conscientious, courteous, diplomatic, fact-finder, high standards, mature, patient, and precise.”  The discrepancy came when Danny and I compared the scores we gave me on the personality test.  I ranked myself highest in Influence.  Danny ranked me highest in Dominance.  Dominance descriptors include “adventuresome, competitive, daring, decisive, direct, innovative, persistent, problem 

solver, result-oriented, self-starter”.

I was unable to hear or read a single one of these positive descriptors because I was having a sudden and horrifying identity crisis.  I was not sweet Allison Slone, woman of poise and influence.  I was the Dominator, swooping in to terrorize lives and boss everyone around.  Granted, the descriptors for each personality type were positive and just trying to show what the ideal working environment would be for each personality type.  But all I could hear was a voice echoing in my head, “Dominator!  Dominator!  Dominator!” with a mental image of me towering over my husband, shaking a finger in his face and yelling, “Comply!  Comply!  Comply!”

So I did what I do every time I have a horrific identity crisis.  I called Whitney.  I explained the whole scenario to her, telling her I wasn’t sure if I was more terrified that my husband perceived me to be an evil, dominating wench or if I was more terrified that he was right.  Whitney, ever the voice of reason, assured me that “dominance” didn’t have to have the negative connotation I was associating with it, and it certainly didn’t mean that Danny perceived me as an evil, dominating wench.  We also discussed how I scored zero in the area of Compliance, and reminisced about all the times in my life I said things like “I want to serve Danny…unless he expects it, then he can forget it!” or when I said intelligent, well thought-out bits of wisdom such as, “I do what I want!” or “Don’t tell me what to do!”.  Ask my dad from experience raising me as a teenager.  If there was one thing I lacked, it was compliance.  I remember trying to shake my head “no” ever so slightly while he was lecturing me, trying to be subtle enough to go undetected but enough to feel I was demonstrating my distaste for his authority over me.

 

Whitney took the opportunity to mention that Danny and I reminded her a lot of Phil and Claire Dunphy off of the TV show “Modern Family”.  While I love the show, the thought of being compared to Claire made me cringe.  She’s always stressed and crazy and such a perfectionist and…oh my gosh, all of the qualities about me that I dislike.  When I told Danny that Whitney said that we reminded him of the Dunphys, he got a huge smile on his face and said, “That’s awesome!  I love Phil!”  Yeah, everybody loves Phil.  One day last week we got into a tiny tiff about something unimportant, and I told Danny he needed to stop being bossy to me.  Do you know what that man said to me?  He said “Well, if we’re Phil and Claire Dunphy, then Claire’s the bossy one, not Phil.”  Once again I got that horrifying image of me in a witch’s costume with a monster mask towering over Danny, yelling “Comply!  Comply!  Comply!”

So we were over at our dear friends the Days house this week and hadn’t seen the latest “Modern Family” episode, so we all watched it.  Not only was this the most hilarious episode ever, but it also was an episode where Claire tried to be the “fun parent” and Phil tried to be the “bossy parent” and they both failed miserably.  At the end, they tied all the stories together beautifully by saying that we each play our own roles in our families for a reason, and that’s the way we were created to be.

I mentioned in an earlier post that our spouses act as our mirrors.  While I was subconsciously attempting to “create” a version of myself through my personality test that made me feel the most flattered, my spouse was able to objectively identify the qualities that represented me most, whether I liked them or not.

 

So what happens when you don’t like your personality?  I think the better (and more constructive) question might be “How can I embrace the positive qualities that God has given me while also recognizing my weaknesses and attempting to improve them?”  What’s good about dominance?  Hmm…well, I will get stuff done and I will get it done well.  I will be organized and I will lead the pack when others don’t want to step up to the plate.  I will make meal plans months in advance, I will coordinate social events, I will set goals and achieve them.  What could change?  I can practice a little more “compliance” in my marriage, looking for ways to serve Danny more and maybe even letting him do a little of the bossing every once in awhile.  I can spend more of my time looking for ways to be a blessing to others and less of my time stressing about my personality.

So lock your doors…or open them.  Dominator Slone’s coming to your town, and, who knows?  She may even run for Governor.