Fears and Failures

Depressing title, right? I promise this post won’t be as “emo” as it sounds.

Fears

I was thinking today about irrational fears. I like to exchange irrational fears with other people because it gives both parties involved a good laugh. Someone tells me his or her irrational fear, and I smile and say, “That’s ridiculous.” I tell them my irrational fear, they laugh and say, “You’re nuts.” I feel that it is a healthy exchange, as long as both parties involved realize that their fear is irrational.

When I was a little girl, I had an irrational fear that if I left my feet exposed when I was sleeping in my bed at night, that wolves would come and eat my feet off. Obviously it was logical to assume that wolves would somehow creep into my bedroom in the suburbs undetected at night, and that they would sit at the foot of my bed waiting for my feet to be exposed. They would, of course, follow the wolf code that they would only eat my feet, and that they would only partake in the feast of my feet if I neglected to cover them. In retrospect, I would like to thank those wolves for being so reasonable. To this day, my feet must be covered by a blanket in order for me to sleep.

Whenever I met Danny, I could not get enough of the guy. I found him so interesting, I wanted to know every single thing about him. Naturally, the conversation of irrational fears came up when we were dating. Danny said that he had two irrational fears. The first was that someone was going to come up behind him while he was getting a drink from the water fountain and shove his head down so that he would chip a tooth. We were both resident assistants at the time in the same building, and there were several drinking fountains around. Being the sweet, loving girlfriend I was, I took it upon myself to find opportunities to sneak up behind Danny while he was getting a drink at the water fountain and pretend to shove his head down. In my defense, if he was REALLY that scared he should have stuck to bottled water. Plastic bottles don’t generally chip teeth.

Danny’s second irrational fear was a little trickier because he refused to recognize that it was irrational. Danny heard one scary story about a fan blade gone awry, and developed an irrational fear that every fan blade was going to spin off and chop off his head. I found it endearing when we were dating. When we got married, it was a different story. One other thing that I forgot to mention about living with a boy is that men are hot…literally. Danny turns into a human furnace at night. In the winter, I snuggle close to him and thank the Lord for my special furnace made just for me. In the summer, I begrudgingly attempt to sleep at the very edge of the bed, as far away from Danny as possible. Danny and I got married in the summer, so when we first started sharing a bed, it was nasty hot outside. I like to be cold when I sleep, and covered up with blankets. If Danny is hot, he just likes to sleep with no covers on at all. Obviously sleeping without a blanket is not an option for me, because those darn wolves continue in their evil plot to eat my feet. They don’t take days off, and although they honor the wolf code, they do not allow do-overs.

Being in this sort of dilemma, I assumed the natural solution was to crank the fan on high and to make the room cold so that I could sleep happily covered underneath the covers. Danny assumed the solution was to sleep with no covers, with no fan on. What a terrible situation to be in! I turn the fan on, and my sweet husband’s head might get chopped off. We leave the fan off and take the covers away, and my feet with certainly be eaten by wolves. Beware; the irrational fears in your marriage might leave you footless, headless, and sleepless.

I am proud to say that Danny has slowly but surely overcome his fear of the terrible fan blade. Sure, he might tense up a little when he sees one that is wobbling at a particularly alarming and unstable pace, but I hope that I have instilled in him the confidence to know that even if that fan blade flies off, he is quite speedy and could almost certainly duck and cover without decapitation. I too, have made strides in dealing with my irrational fears. I have sent a message to the wolves that my husband is a mighty furnace warrior, and that if I am left footless he will avenge my feet in a burning rage of glory. I might even be seen poking my feet out from underneath the covers for periods of time as long as three minutes. Long enough to send a message to the wolves that I’m not afraid, but of course not long enough to be reckless.

Failures

It’s hard to believe that 2010 is over. It was such a great year! In 2010 I graduated with my Master’s Degree in Speech-Language Pathology, got a precious puppy, celebrated my one-year anniversary with the love of my life, and started my first “big girl” job. The Lord has blessed me more and made me happier than I could have possibly imagined.

I am a huge overachiever in most areas of my life. I don’t want to just do things half-heartedly, I want to do them to the very best of my abilities. So naturally as 2010 started coming to a close, I began reflecting on a great year and things I could do to improve myself in the new year. Let me tell you, when left alone to its own devices, my overachieving mind is a scary place. My resolution ideas ranged from not eating any fried foods to going through Richard J. Foster’s “Celebration of Discipline” book and focusing on one discipline per month to draw me closer to the Lord.

I decided to open my prayer journal from 2010 to reflect on my year, and I couldn’t help but feel like a big fat failure. Last year I decided to read through the Bible in a year….LEVITICUS, why are you always my snag?!? I definitely didn’t follow through with reading the whole Old Testament, and instead continued to focus on the New Testament. I wanted to prayer journal every day last year (my prayers are a lot more coherent when they are written out). January’s journaling looked pretty good. December entries, on the other hand, were few and far between. Sure, although I didn’t read through the whole Bible I read a lot of it, and although I didn’t prayer journal daily, I grew in my walk….but I didn’t meet my goal!

On one hand I feel that it is so important to set goals (specific, measurable, and challenging but realistic) so that I don’t give myself an excuse to cop out and say “Eh, whatever I do is my best and enough” without striving towards anything. On the other hand I feel that setting so many goals on my own sets me up for failure…that I’m relying on my own willpower and my own strength to achieve the things that I perceive to be the most important. When have I consulted God to see what He thinks is the most important on my list of 5,000 goals? Have I acknowledged that I need Him to even take a breath, let alone run a half marathon?

Therefore, in 2011 I resolve to stop worshipping my own willpower. I will not stand on a pedestal, saying, “Look what I can accomplish! I have selected specific, measurable, and challenging but realistic goals that I perceive to be important!” only to later stand with my head hung low, ashamed to say I have failed. I resolve to let God be in control of my life, and to put myself in a position where I am constantly seeking His guidance and will. I recognize that I will sometimes get frustrated, I will fall short, and I will fail. That’s okay! I trust that the Lord will press on my heart the goals He thinks are worthy and that He will give me the strength to complete these tasks through Him. 2011, here we come!